his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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