What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i would punch a child for taco bell
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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