He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
