Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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