you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
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Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
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Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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