You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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