You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?