Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
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I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
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Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions