So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?