how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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