Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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