the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
