u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She even gives head with a lisp.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
