When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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