Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
