I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
