he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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