He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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