i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She bit a glass in half.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
