I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
