I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
