I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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