My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
