Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
