Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
