I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
