nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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