The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
