My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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