Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
