FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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