he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
