your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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