i just had sex bonerless
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
