4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
