He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
