I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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