we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
