All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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