I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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