I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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