The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
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They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize