Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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