sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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