Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have already put on my inside pants.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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