remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
be right there i have to get my cape
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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