If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
