You just made me feel so damn special
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
COCAINE IS GR8
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
