please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
