so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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