I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
