Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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