I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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