I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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