I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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