omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
