Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
