mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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