i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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