When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my sisters under your porch take her home
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
