Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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