when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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