I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
