I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
